completely heterosexual

"Haggard Pronounced ‘Completely Heterosexual’

DENVER (AP) -- One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is ''completely heterosexual.''

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday's edition.

''He is completely heterosexual,'' Ralph said. ''That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing.''"


I dunno about you, but if I ever hire a male prostitute and do large quantities of meth with him before he gives me blowjobs, I don't see myself as self-identifying at that point as "completely heterosexual." Couldn't they have pronounced he was "mostly" het, or "definitely" het, or "certainly" het or something that, I dunno, didn't attempt quite so blatant a re-writing of the recent cock-filled meth-fueled past?

Sigh. I should enter rehab. I'm not sure for what, exactly, but keeping people guessing as to whether your rehab experience is cover for something else is part of the game these days....