and then

dinner and drinks (and a splash of telly) with a friend. With a friend who is a friend because she's a friend, not to be confused with the friend who's a friend because she was a friend, and should be a friend, and probably will be a friend, but isn't quite a friend at the moment. Mutually, probably, as friend (who's a mutual friend) and I established this evening. I've chosen against spending abundant and frequent time with the friend who first took me in when arriving on these shores. (I spent 4 days there on their couch before moving to a flat of my own. Nobody has helped me move in this town, ever. Neither males nor females. They have money. I don't. But I don't know when at least offering to help people move got pulled off the table. It did, and does, piss me off.) So it has been a mutual process, agreeing to be distant, somehow, or at least a mutually recognised issue. Not one that can be cured with a walk and talk, as our mutual friend observed to me this evening. It'll probably all be fine, with distance, with time. Perhaps I'm better with friendships with distance, with time. Unable to step up to the plate of daily reailty, distracted, as I am, by the possibility of love, however faint or farcical it appears to other.

Is that wrong? Even when I've been ludicrously wrong about suitable partners, is my ability to ditch friends ot pursue what, at least inasmuch as I think at the time, is love, hurtful? unjust? unbalanced? In some ways, I kindafuckinghopeso. Surely that's the point, the definition of love. Just give me a few weeks of unbalanced, I'll be back. But those few weeks, spread amongst four now five women, over 15 months, a month to six weeks per, suddenly one-third of my time here has been spent pursuing something else, in the midst of something "more important" than time (fine dinner, fine wine, fine conversation born of fine minds and long histories) with my friends. A character flaw, but non-understandable? A reasonable choice - you're in love, why shouldn't I be? Friend drama. I'm opposed to it, but particularly in the absence of lover possibilities (10 days - is that Wednesday? or Thursday? or even Friday?), well, lots of time for friend drama. Until, apparently, they leave for Panama on Wednesday. Nice to feel in the loop. Thanks, friend of friend....